Oftentimes while speaking at forums I've encountered men and women who struggle with the age old of question of how to find the right mate and are in search of some type foolproof advice on what to do. Though I believe that it is great to carry an optimistic attitude while looking for what may be a future wife or husband, individuals must keep realistic and clear cut expectations of the people that they choose to date. One of the best ways to get to the heart of finding out if a person fits those expectations is to ask the questions you REALLY want to know ("dealbreakers") within the first two-four weeks of meeting your potential mate. To build a relationship that has effective communication is not easy but many people that I speak to seem to want to make it a lot harder than it has to be. Many of the couples that I see in therapy go months (and sometimes years) participating in relationships without truly knowing the answers to questions that could've possibly be "dealbreakers" for them. Below I've compiled a list of 5 common questions that women should ask but often don't because they are to scared to or just plain assume the answer. Though the title is framed as giving women advice, these questions work well for either sex in most any kind of romantic relationship. Hopefully, these suggestions can help you along in your quest for effective communication with your mate. Keep in my mind that this is only a list of suggestions (, not law....) based on the experiences I've had giving couples therapy.
1. Do you have kids? If not, do you eventually want to have them and if so, do you want to have more?
- In today's day and age this is a must ask within the first two weeks of meeting someone.
2. When was your last relationship and do you still communicate with that person/those people?
-This is a question that a man would normally ask of a woman if he is truly and seriously interested in her so why not return the favor?
3. What do you do for a living and where do you see yourself in the next five years professionally and financially?
- This question seems to be one of concern to many women but also a question that they may be scared to ask right away. I say go for it when the time is right but do not wait too long. If you can't see yourself happy sitting amongst his ideal plan then break it off sooner than later.
4. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?
- A good question to know because it often is a good indicator of shared morals.
5. Do you believe in marriage and have you ever been married before?
- A common question that is glossed over because of assumption. ASK!
While some of these questions may seem like common sense, many people dance around these topics or make assumptions based on inferences. Another common occurance I have seen is that many times women believe that they can train their mate to adopt their beliefs. While I wouldnt suggest asking these questions on a first date, I have found that if a man truly interested in a woman then engaging in these topics of conversation isn't is awkward for him as one might think. Remember, when a man shows anxiety during a topic of discussion it may just mean that he's just not that into you. Proceed with caution but show courage and get to heart of the topics you really want to know!
For further discussion contact Dr. Robert's Twitter page at @DrRobertCEvans